Late Night Realizations.

Here I was laying in bed when I realized something. I expect too much from people. I understand now that I put too high of expectations on the people around me. So high in fact that I end up getting let down in the end. This thought led me to another realization....I expect too much from God. The reality of the matter, is that I shouldn't expect anything from God. His role is not to serve me. God can't be restricted by expectations or requests. I keep getting stuck in this mentality that God is supposed to serve me. He's supposed to love me, comfort me, give me strength, forgive me of my sins, provide me with necessary provisions, and give me salvation. God doesn't have to do any of these things! He CHOOSES to do them. It's God's choice to help me in life and provide for me. I take that for granted so much every day! And to make things worse, I get upset when God doesn't give me some of those things. I am not God's master, and he doesn't answer to me. I think one thing that we as Christians struggle with is feeling like God owes us something. We're so used to God giving us what we need, we just assume that God will give us everything we think we need. When that doesn't happen however, we get angry. Who are we to get angry at something like that? God is our master, and we are just his servants. WE are supposed to serve HIM. Yet time and time again we get stuck in the thought that God HAS to comfort us. God HAS to give us enough to eat. God HAS to give me salvation. The list goes on and on!
God doesn't HAVE to do anything. He's GOD! It's our role to serve God and be his servants. We are so blessed to have a God that will help us because of his vast love for us. I'm not even sure if any of this is making sense because it's 1 in the morning, but the morale of the story is this: God doesn't owe us anything. Stop getting upset when you feel like God hasn't given you something you need. Tough luck! We should be thanking God for all the times that he has given us the things that we need, not complain to him about all the other things he didn't give us. We need to remember that our job is to serve the Lord with all that we are....not the other way around.

Unfathomable Love

"I have one desire now - to live a life of reckless abandon for the Lord, putting all my energy and strength into it." - Elisabeth Elliot

Once again I have let myself be lead astray by my own desires, and once again You have drawn me back into your ever-loving arms. Lord I thank and praise You for all your love towards me. I'm completely baffled and awed that you would love such an imperfect being like me. Not only do I sin, but I intentionally sin against your name. I know full well when I'm going against your will, but I do it anyways.....and yet you love me still. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that I can NEVER be separated from Your love...."For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)

God I wish I could love someone a fraction of how much you love me...and the reality is that you are trying to teach me this love, I'm just far too impatient for my own good. I told you that I would take this year off to focus on the things you want to teach me. I need to become a woman after your own heart before I can even think about giving some of that love to a man. I constantly need to be reminded of this poem and the promises you've made me. Shouldn't that be enough for me?

You'd think that it WOULD be enough....but sometimes it's not. It's hard when you have to transition from finding your worth in guys to finding your worth in God.  I have to go through the process of feeling completely worthless before I can fully hear what God says about my worth. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done. God I know that you think I'm so wonderful. You tell me all throughout the Bible. It's just hard to believe it sometimes, you know? Satan knows just what to place in my mind to get me to doubt the things You tell me. He gets me to doubt my intelligence, my appearances, my friendships, he even puts jealous thoughts into my mind about the dating couples around me. I try and take every one of those thoughts captive like it tells me in 2 Corinthians 10, but it gets exhausting after being bombarded by these things 24/7. It's hard not to believe those lies sometimes.

God I think the biggest thing I need right now is Your strength and patience. Please help me through this Lord....I honestly can't do it without You. I need to be patient. I need to focus solely on You. I need to become the woman You want me to be. I need to find my self-worth in You. I need to rely on You alone.

Straight From My Journal

James 4:12 "There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the One who is able to save and destroy. But you-who are you to judge your neighbor?"

Today I spent a wonderful few hours with some of the girls on my floor in Nelson Hall. We talked about things like the devil, our struggles, our hurts, and we all took part in a very emotional conversation about God's love and mercy. As all these girls were opening up and telling us their stories, I felt extremely convicted. I realized at that moment that I wasn't taking the time to see these women as they truly are; walking stories. I love these girls with all my heart, and yet I'm still putting myself first. Time and time again I find myself letting myself get trapped in the selfish "Me Cycle" where all I can see is what's affecting me directly. I make myself blind to other people's hurts. I'll tend to think, "Ugh she's annoying me today" instead of thinking, "She's going through a tough time right now, I should have some grace." I get so wrapped up in myself that I see people as bodies in front of me walking through the motions instead of actual human spirits who have hurts, fears, dreams, insecurities and joys just like me.

How did I let myself get this far from the truth? Lord I pray that I won't forget who these girls really are any longer. Lord please help me to have grace just as You do, and to have the patience and wisdom to see each girl living in N2 as a walking/eating/living/breathing story.....A story just like me.