Breaking-Up.

Dear "Fear-Of-What-Others-Think",

 I am sick of you and I think it’s time we broke up. I know we’ve broken up and gotten back together about a bazillion times, but seriously, this is it. We’re breaking up for good now. I would say "It's not you, it's me" but you are clearly the problem in this relationship. I'm doing this because I need to.
Because I’m tired of over-thinking my status updates on Facebook. I'm tired of trying to sound more clever, funny, or important. And I’m tired of wondering which Tweets I make might get the most re-tweets or favorites as though my value as a human being were truly numerical.
I’m tired of wondering which picture to post online. Because heaven forbid, they might show my acne, frizzy hair, or make me look fat and cause others to think I’m a perfectly normal human being.
I’m sick of feeling anxious about what I say or do in public, especially around people I don’t know that well, all in the hope that they’ll like me and accept me. And then there are those people who ALREADY like and accept me...For some reason, I’m constantly trying to keep happy!  Sometimes I feel like a freaking Golden Retriever greeting my master at the front door. Like me! Like me! Like me! Why is it that important anyways?!
And I’m especially tired of feeling bad about myself all the time. Bad about how I look. Bad about my grades. Bad about my 12 year old car and my not-so-trendy clothes. Bad about being single. Bad about not having any extraordinary talents. Bad about being friend-zoned by every guy I know. You're constantly making me compare myself to the other people around me and that seriously needs to stop. Because of you, I go through each day with this cloud of self doubt lingering overhead as a constant reminder that a storm might come and break away my facade if I don't keep this act up. Because when I’m afraid of what others think, I never stop acting. The spotlight’s always on and I’m center stage and I’d better keep dancing, posturing and smiling or else the spotlight will move on to someone else and I’ll dissolve into a meaningless little puddle on the ground....just like that witch in The Wizard of Oz. I can never live up to the expectations of my imaginary audience, the one that lives only in my head but whose collective voice is louder than any other voice in the universe. And even though I know I’m acting and even though I know the spotlight’s always moving and even though I know that in the bigger picture none of this matters at all, I’m never content to simply be myself. I mean yeah, I'm myself a lot of the time, but that voice in the back of my head always reminds me that other people are watching. It always reminds me that I need to impress them. And the sad thing is, I know everyone else is going through this same thing. They may say they're perfectly comfortable with who they are, but most people have the same terrible relationship with you as I do. Stop doing this to us!
All of this is especially horrible because if I really stop and think about it, and let things go quiet and listen patiently for the voice of the God who made me and delights in me...it turns out I’m actually profoundly precious, lovable, worthy, valuable, and beautiful. When I listen to that voice, then your voice starts to sound ridiculous again. You turn back into the tiny, whining, insignificant voice that you actually are.
So I'm sorry, Fear-Of-What-Others-Think. You and I are done. And no, I’m not interested in “talking it through.” I’m sending you out of my life, once and for all. Or at least, that’s what I really, really want....God help me please....

Sincerely,
Your Former Companion Paige.

Thankfulness.

Can I just say that God is so awesome? Today I was in the BC with my friend Melissa and I realized I forgot my headphones...so of course I had to go back to my dorm and grab them. When I walked outside though, I saw the sun shining off the huge trees in Kresge Courtyard. Then I saw the bright blue sky and the thousands of dragonflies that have been circling Nelson Hall all day. All of a sudden it hit me.....God is so awesome! How often do I take these truly beautiful things for granted? How often do we stop and just soak in all the beauty that God created? Yesterday I found myself laying on a blanket outside next to my friend Briana. With my feet propped up against the brick wall outside the RC and my eyes gazing up at the sky, I was able to truly appreciate how big and blue it was. I can barely even remember the last time I thanked God for the little things I see everyday in his creation. The sky, the clouds, the apple trees, the bumble bees and even the pebbles are all reasons to give thanks to God. Even if it seems insignificant, remember that God created that stone or leaf out of nothing. Nothing! How awesome is that?! Something even greater than these things though, is that God created us. Living, breathing, beautiful humans. And not only did God create us, he actually takes the time to know us. And not only does he take the time to know us, but he actually loves us. And as if that weren't enough, he loves us so much that he let his only son be slaughtered for us. I realize that you've heard all these things before and you know all these facts, but there's a difference between knowing and appreciating. I challenge you as this week goes on to not only see the trees and birds and everything in between as God's creation, but to also appreciate them. Even now as I sit here overlooking the sunset on Lake Valentine, I am in awe of Him. There is truly no one like our God.

"The heavens declare the glory of God;

the skies proclaim the work of his hands."

-Psalm 19:1

 "The earth is the Lord's and everything in it, the world and all who live in it;  

for he founded it upon the seas and established it upon the waters."

-Psalm 24:1-2

Fear.

Fear is such a strange concept.  People can be afraid of things as small as spiders or things as big as hurricanes, and it has always baffled me...the mere fact that we can get ourselves so worked-up and anxious about things is just bizarre! For me, I'm absolutely terrified of thunderstorms. Some people love them and want to be outside during a downpour, but I get really freaked out. I get anxious and nervous and I'm not even sure why....I've never had any bad experiences with storms. But even when I was younger, I remember going over to my best friend Jynni's house on nights it was storming and we'd have a sleepover to keep each other "safe". It made us feel better just knowing we could both be scared together.
Keeping all this in mind, today there was a tornado watch and a thunderstorm outside...and I was terrified. I was so anxious sitting by the window while lightning was streaking across the sky that I had to get up and walk around in order to keep myself distracted. I found a spot in the library since you can't see or hear the storm from there, and I went on my laptop. I logged into Twitter and was scrolling down my homepage, when lo and behold I saw a post I had written merely 3 hours prior. I had completely forgotten that I posted it....It read, "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. -1 Peter 5:7." I'm so terrible at taking my own advice! Here I am Tweeting about casting our anxiety on the Lord, but then freaking out about thunder and lightening a few hours later. There is no fear in the Lord! He says in Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." There is nothing to be afraid of when you have God by your side. It's no accident that I read that Tweet when I did. It was just the reminder I needed that God is always in control.
My favorite verse comes from Psalm 18:2. It says "The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety..." So there's honestly no need to fear something as small as a thunderstorm. It may seem big at the time, but it's NOTHING when compared to how big and strong my God is! He's the ROCK that saves me! This doesn't mean that I'm instantly cured from my fear...because quite frankly, I'm still scared pantsless of storms. But this definitely does help me feel better about the whole thing. And who knows, maybe saying these verses the next time there's a storm can help me conquer my fear all together. :)

Patience.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

-Romans 12:12 

God has been teaching me patience recently. Let me just say, it's much more difficult than I thought it would be. In chapel a while ago, the speaker was talking about patience and how it isn't just about learning to wait for something. It's also choosing not to retaliate when we have the opportunity to. This really struck me...how many times have I been tempted to give people a taste of their own medicine? And how many times have I actually acted on those temptations? Sadly, I've done this far too many times.
I asked God to help me become more patient, and boy is he doing it. There have been many times lately where I'm tempted to be crabby with people or retaliate because of something they've done or said to me. Each time though, I can hear that little reminder telling me that I NEED to be patient. Patience is a way of showing love to people. This is yet another way we can try to love our neighbors the way they deserve to be loved. It's so crucial that we stop thinking of others as objects. I've said this before in my blog posts, but we need to see people as walking stories. We underestimate just how talented people are at hiding their hurts. You and I don't know what internal battles people are going through... Someone could be wearing a smile, yet they're dead or hurting inside. We all know this, because we've ALL been through it in one way or another. Keeping all this in mind, it goes without saying that there's no legitimate reason we should treat anyone poorly. And quite frankly, it doesn't hurt to treat people with kindness. Obviously I'm not perfect and I fail in showing patience and kindness often, but I'm praying that God will keep reminding me of how I need to treat others. And not only that He'll remind me, but that I'll follow His instruction.
I'm not entirely sure what drove me to write this post...I think it's mostly just serving as another reminder to myself. And maybe it can be a sort of accountability thing with those around me who I know will read this. Sometimes writing out my current struggles helps me to fully focus on them....but maybe these few paragraphs can even inspire you to start working on the same thing in your life.

What A Massive God!

Finally....the long anticipated Spring Break has finally arrived for me! My parents came to Bethel University to pick me up, and we started to take the 5 hour drive back home. We were almost home, when my dad pulled the car over to the side of the highway. It was about 9:00 pm and almost everything outside was pitch black.....everything but the sky. As I looked out the window I saw beautiful shades of blue, purple and green dance across the night sky. I saw the Northern Lights! As I stepped out of the car and into the chilly night air, I could do nothing but just soak in the beauty of these magnificent lights. I kept thinking, "Wow...God is so awesome." It's impossible for me to wrap my mind around how amazing He truly is. It absolutely baffles me how people can think that this world was created by mistake....by a series of highly improbably events. While looking at those Northern Lights, it was so obvious to me that some greater power painted those in the sky. I don't understand how people can look at those same lights and see anything less than Intelligent Design. Nature itself is God's general revelation to us. It screams out that there is a Creator! And not just any Creator either....He is so massive! Think of the stars for example.....they aren't just dots painted on a black canvas surrounding earth. They're huge balls of fire, burning trillions of miles away! And our galaxy is another example. Do you realize just how big the Milky Way galaxy is? It's over 100,000 light-years in diameter! If that's not large enough, it's estimated that hundreds of billions of galaxies exist in the universe. Whoa....
And as if all this weren't big enough, God can hold it all in the palm of His hand. That's just how massive our God is! We seldom take the time to remember simple facts like this. The night sky serves as a constant reminder, yet we overlook it countless times. I encourage you to take time this week to praise God for just how big He is!

Who else has held the oceans in his hand? Who has measured off the heavens with his fingers? Who else knows the weight of the earth or has weighed out the mountains and the hills?......."To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One. Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one and calls forth each of them by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing.

-Isaiah 40:12, 25-26,  NIV

 Give praise to the LORD, proclaim his name; make known among the nations what he has done. Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts. Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice. Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.

-1 Chronicles 16: 8-11 NIV

Acceptance.

I'm starting to accept the way I am. My whole life I've been taught by the world around me that something can always be improved. It tells me that I'm not good enough. Whenever I was having these insecure moments where I would think badly about myself, I would tell myself, "You are (insert quality that I want)" Or something along those lines....but in reality, I'm not all those things that I want to be...but that's totally okay! Contrary to the world's standards, I don't NEED to be talented. I don't NEED to be smart. I don't NEED to be athletic. I don't NEED to have a boyfriend. And I certainly don't NEED to be pretty. I don't NEED to be worth anything in other people's eyes. I just need to fulfill the role God has for my life. I'm worth something to HIM and that's all that truly matters. I tend to forget that this world is just a waiting room. We're here so briefly, yet we put so much importance on earthly things like beauty and money. I mean yeah, those things do hold some importance, but not nearly as much as doing the will of God. This life is not my own; it was purchased by Jesus Christ on the cross when he died for my sins. What gives me the right to worry about myself and what I can gain on earth when it doesn't even belong to me anyways?

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth where moths and vermin destroy and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven where moths and vermin do not destroy and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." -Matthew 6:19-21

Proverbs 31 Woman.

"A wife of noble character, who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life"....."She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy"....."She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her. Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."

For as long as I can remember, I've had the desire to someday marry a Godly man. A leader, who loves the Lord more than he loves me. A man who I can honor and respect. I've been thinking a lot about how a guy like this is hard to find. Recently though, I've realized that it's unfair of me to expect the Godly man of my dreams to appear when I myself am not up to par with the idea of a Godly woman. The man I marry someday deserves the best I can offer. That's why I love the portrait Proverbs 31 gives of a Godly woman. I so desire to be a woman like this for my future husband. This portrait tells us that you can't put a value on this woman. She offers her husband nothing but good things, and is beautiful not because of her outward appearance, but because of her inward qualities. Lord, help me to become more like You, and more like the woman from Proverbs 31. I trust that you have the man I desire out there somewhere, and that you'll provide him at the right time. Lets face it, until I'm fully centered on You, a relationship wouldn't work out anyways. Help me to take this time to become the woman my future husband deserves. Amen