Breaking-Up.

Dear "Fear-Of-What-Others-Think",

 I am sick of you and I think it’s time we broke up. I know we’ve broken up and gotten back together about a bazillion times, but seriously, this is it. We’re breaking up for good now. I would say "It's not you, it's me" but you are clearly the problem in this relationship. I'm doing this because I need to.
Because I’m tired of over-thinking my status updates on Facebook. I'm tired of trying to sound more clever, funny, or important. And I’m tired of wondering which Tweets I make might get the most re-tweets or favorites as though my value as a human being were truly numerical.
I’m tired of wondering which picture to post online. Because heaven forbid, they might show my acne, frizzy hair, or make me look fat and cause others to think I’m a perfectly normal human being.
I’m sick of feeling anxious about what I say or do in public, especially around people I don’t know that well, all in the hope that they’ll like me and accept me. And then there are those people who ALREADY like and accept me...For some reason, I’m constantly trying to keep happy!  Sometimes I feel like a freaking Golden Retriever greeting my master at the front door. Like me! Like me! Like me! Why is it that important anyways?!
And I’m especially tired of feeling bad about myself all the time. Bad about how I look. Bad about my grades. Bad about my 12 year old car and my not-so-trendy clothes. Bad about being single. Bad about not having any extraordinary talents. Bad about being friend-zoned by every guy I know. You're constantly making me compare myself to the other people around me and that seriously needs to stop. Because of you, I go through each day with this cloud of self doubt lingering overhead as a constant reminder that a storm might come and break away my facade if I don't keep this act up. Because when I’m afraid of what others think, I never stop acting. The spotlight’s always on and I’m center stage and I’d better keep dancing, posturing and smiling or else the spotlight will move on to someone else and I’ll dissolve into a meaningless little puddle on the ground....just like that witch in The Wizard of Oz. I can never live up to the expectations of my imaginary audience, the one that lives only in my head but whose collective voice is louder than any other voice in the universe. And even though I know I’m acting and even though I know the spotlight’s always moving and even though I know that in the bigger picture none of this matters at all, I’m never content to simply be myself. I mean yeah, I'm myself a lot of the time, but that voice in the back of my head always reminds me that other people are watching. It always reminds me that I need to impress them. And the sad thing is, I know everyone else is going through this same thing. They may say they're perfectly comfortable with who they are, but most people have the same terrible relationship with you as I do. Stop doing this to us!
All of this is especially horrible because if I really stop and think about it, and let things go quiet and listen patiently for the voice of the God who made me and delights in me...it turns out I’m actually profoundly precious, lovable, worthy, valuable, and beautiful. When I listen to that voice, then your voice starts to sound ridiculous again. You turn back into the tiny, whining, insignificant voice that you actually are.
So I'm sorry, Fear-Of-What-Others-Think. You and I are done. And no, I’m not interested in “talking it through.” I’m sending you out of my life, once and for all. Or at least, that’s what I really, really want....God help me please....

Sincerely,
Your Former Companion Paige.

Thankfulness.

Can I just say that God is so awesome? Today I was in the BC with my friend Melissa and I realized I forgot my headphones...so of course I had to go back to my dorm and grab them. When I walked outside though, I saw the sun shining off the huge trees in Kresge Courtyard. Then I saw the bright blue sky and the thousands of dragonflies that have been circling Nelson Hall all day. All of a sudden it hit me.....God is so awesome! How often do I take these truly beautiful things for granted? How often do we stop and just soak in all the beauty that God created? Yesterday I found myself laying on a blanket outside next to my friend Briana. With my feet propped up against the brick wall outside the RC and my eyes gazing up at the sky, I was able to truly appreciate how big and blue it was. I can barely even remember the last time I thanked God for the little things I see everyday in his creation. The sky, the clouds, the apple trees, the bumble bees and even the pebbles are all reasons to give thanks to God. Even if it seems insignificant, remember that God created that stone or leaf out of nothing. Nothing! How awesome is that?! Something even greater than these things though, is that God created us. Living, breathing, beautiful humans. And not only did God create us, he actually takes the time to know us. And not only does he take the time to know us, but he actually loves us. And as if that weren't enough, he loves us so much that he let his only son be slaughtered for us. I realize that you've heard all these things before and you know all these facts, but there's a difference between knowing and appreciating. I challenge you as this week goes on to not only see the trees and birds and everything in between as God's creation, but to also appreciate them. Even now as I sit here overlooking the sunset on Lake Valentine, I am in awe of Him. There is truly no one like our God.

"The heavens declare the glory of God;

the skies proclaim the work of his hands."

-Psalm 19:1

 "The earth is the Lord's and everything in it, the world and all who live in it;  

for he founded it upon the seas and established it upon the waters."

-Psalm 24:1-2