Proverbs 31 Woman.

"A wife of noble character, who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life"....."She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy"....."She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her. Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate."

For as long as I can remember, I've had the desire to someday marry a Godly man. A leader, who loves the Lord more than he loves me. A man who I can honor and respect. I've been thinking a lot about how a guy like this is hard to find. Recently though, I've realized that it's unfair of me to expect the Godly man of my dreams to appear when I myself am not up to par with the idea of a Godly woman. The man I marry someday deserves the best I can offer. That's why I love the portrait Proverbs 31 gives of a Godly woman. I so desire to be a woman like this for my future husband. This portrait tells us that you can't put a value on this woman. She offers her husband nothing but good things, and is beautiful not because of her outward appearance, but because of her inward qualities. Lord, help me to become more like You, and more like the woman from Proverbs 31. I trust that you have the man I desire out there somewhere, and that you'll provide him at the right time. Lets face it, until I'm fully centered on You, a relationship wouldn't work out anyways. Help me to take this time to become the woman my future husband deserves. Amen

So Long Insecurity.

Insecure. Now there's a word that people try to avoid when describing themselves. We all like to pretend that we're secure in ourselves and that we've got it all together, but the truth is that we're not even close to secure in ourselves. We're far from it! I'm reading a book called So Long Insecurity, You've Been a Bad Friend to Us by Beth Moore. (you can read a quick excerpt here near the middle of the page) This book is SO GOOD! I've never really seen myself as super insecure. I mean granted, I've never thought I was particularly beautiful and sometimes I get self-conscious, but I'm not the "super-clingy-emotional-wreck-that-insists-a-guy-can-complete-her" type. I have insecurities, but I definitely know girls with way more than me. So why read a book on it? Well to be honest I would have never in a million years picked up this book. I got it though, because I started reading it in a Bible study with girls my age at church. The teacher, Debbie Griffith, (who taught me SO much during her time as my Sunday School leader) thought that this book would be useful...and boy was she right. I didn't finish this book with my Sunday School class, but I did decide a few weeks ago that I'd read it again. I'm so glad that I did! This book has made me realize that insecurity can present itself in a number of ways that I didn't even know existed.

"Insecurity isn't just being sensitive to things, it's a profound sense of self-doubt. A deep feeling of uncertainty about our basic worth and place in the world. Insecurity is associated with chronic self-consciousness, along with a chronic lack of confidence in ourselves and anxiety about our relationships. An insecure man or woman lives in constant fear of rejection and a deep uncertainty about whether his or her own feelings and desires are legitimate." -Beth Moore

Now you may read that and think "Okay well that doesn't fully apply to me" but I can guarantee that it does. If it applies to you in the least bit, then you struggle with insecurity. I promise you that everyone on this earth has struggled with insecurity at one point in their lives. You don't have to posses every description or element of insecurity to qualify as insecure and in need of healing.
I really wish that I could go deeper into what this book says, but I can't do that without writing a 100 page blog entry. Honestly, this book is so great, and I HIGHLY recommend it. It has seriously changed my life. So go buy it! Or borrow it from someone you know! No matter how you get it, I promise that you won't regret reading it from cover to cover!

 

Late Night Realizations.

Here I was laying in bed when I realized something. I expect too much from people. I understand now that I put too high of expectations on the people around me. So high in fact that I end up getting let down in the end. This thought led me to another realization....I expect too much from God. The reality of the matter, is that I shouldn't expect anything from God. His role is not to serve me. God can't be restricted by expectations or requests. I keep getting stuck in this mentality that God is supposed to serve me. He's supposed to love me, comfort me, give me strength, forgive me of my sins, provide me with necessary provisions, and give me salvation. God doesn't have to do any of these things! He CHOOSES to do them. It's God's choice to help me in life and provide for me. I take that for granted so much every day! And to make things worse, I get upset when God doesn't give me some of those things. I am not God's master, and he doesn't answer to me. I think one thing that we as Christians struggle with is feeling like God owes us something. We're so used to God giving us what we need, we just assume that God will give us everything we think we need. When that doesn't happen however, we get angry. Who are we to get angry at something like that? God is our master, and we are just his servants. WE are supposed to serve HIM. Yet time and time again we get stuck in the thought that God HAS to comfort us. God HAS to give us enough to eat. God HAS to give me salvation. The list goes on and on!
God doesn't HAVE to do anything. He's GOD! It's our role to serve God and be his servants. We are so blessed to have a God that will help us because of his vast love for us. I'm not even sure if any of this is making sense because it's 1 in the morning, but the morale of the story is this: God doesn't owe us anything. Stop getting upset when you feel like God hasn't given you something you need. Tough luck! We should be thanking God for all the times that he has given us the things that we need, not complain to him about all the other things he didn't give us. We need to remember that our job is to serve the Lord with all that we are....not the other way around.

Unfathomable Love

"I have one desire now - to live a life of reckless abandon for the Lord, putting all my energy and strength into it." - Elisabeth Elliot

Once again I have let myself be lead astray by my own desires, and once again You have drawn me back into your ever-loving arms. Lord I thank and praise You for all your love towards me. I'm completely baffled and awed that you would love such an imperfect being like me. Not only do I sin, but I intentionally sin against your name. I know full well when I'm going against your will, but I do it anyways.....and yet you love me still. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that I can NEVER be separated from Your love...."For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)

God I wish I could love someone a fraction of how much you love me...and the reality is that you are trying to teach me this love, I'm just far too impatient for my own good. I told you that I would take this year off to focus on the things you want to teach me. I need to become a woman after your own heart before I can even think about giving some of that love to a man. I constantly need to be reminded of this poem and the promises you've made me. Shouldn't that be enough for me?

You'd think that it WOULD be enough....but sometimes it's not. It's hard when you have to transition from finding your worth in guys to finding your worth in God.  I have to go through the process of feeling completely worthless before I can fully hear what God says about my worth. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done. God I know that you think I'm so wonderful. You tell me all throughout the Bible. It's just hard to believe it sometimes, you know? Satan knows just what to place in my mind to get me to doubt the things You tell me. He gets me to doubt my intelligence, my appearances, my friendships, he even puts jealous thoughts into my mind about the dating couples around me. I try and take every one of those thoughts captive like it tells me in 2 Corinthians 10, but it gets exhausting after being bombarded by these things 24/7. It's hard not to believe those lies sometimes.

God I think the biggest thing I need right now is Your strength and patience. Please help me through this Lord....I honestly can't do it without You. I need to be patient. I need to focus solely on You. I need to become the woman You want me to be. I need to find my self-worth in You. I need to rely on You alone.

Straight From My Journal

James 4:12 "There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the One who is able to save and destroy. But you-who are you to judge your neighbor?"

Today I spent a wonderful few hours with some of the girls on my floor in Nelson Hall. We talked about things like the devil, our struggles, our hurts, and we all took part in a very emotional conversation about God's love and mercy. As all these girls were opening up and telling us their stories, I felt extremely convicted. I realized at that moment that I wasn't taking the time to see these women as they truly are; walking stories. I love these girls with all my heart, and yet I'm still putting myself first. Time and time again I find myself letting myself get trapped in the selfish "Me Cycle" where all I can see is what's affecting me directly. I make myself blind to other people's hurts. I'll tend to think, "Ugh she's annoying me today" instead of thinking, "She's going through a tough time right now, I should have some grace." I get so wrapped up in myself that I see people as bodies in front of me walking through the motions instead of actual human spirits who have hurts, fears, dreams, insecurities and joys just like me.

How did I let myself get this far from the truth? Lord I pray that I won't forget who these girls really are any longer. Lord please help me to have grace just as You do, and to have the patience and wisdom to see each girl living in N2 as a walking/eating/living/breathing story.....A story just like me.

Hope.

Today I went to chapel here at Bethel University as I usually do on Monday/Wednesday/Friday. As I sat down, I was expecting to just sing some songs, hear a sermon, and then leave and go to my 11:10 CWC class.
Something was different today though...As we started singing the first song, I could feel God's presence so intensely that I couldn't help but get goosebumps all along my arms and legs. I knew at this point something was going to change in me. After singing my heart out for the Lord, the speaker got up front. He began by saying, "God has told me that someone in this audience really needs to hear this sermon. If that person is you, please take this to heart. You don't realize how important this is in God's plan for your life." After those few sentences, I was instantly glued to his every word. He talked to us about hope, and about how building our lives on the Lord our Rock is hopeful. He asked us, "Where do you find your hope?" and I thought about this for a moment. It occurred to me however, that I don't actually know what hope is. I mean I've heard it a million times and I know what it is within context, but I would never be able to explain it to someone fully. I made a point to look it up when I got back to my dorm, and this is what I found:
Hope is, "the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best."
As soon as I read this my mind traveled back to a verse that the speaker used. That verse is Romans 8:28 which says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, and who have been called according to His purpose." This verse goes way back for me. I remember being a 10th grader sitting in my Sunday School class taught by Debbie Griffith. Debbie has a vast knowledge of different verses, and so I was excited when she told us that we'd be working on memorizing scriptures that would help us through different life situations. The first verse we memorized was Romans 8:28....and it has stuck with me ever since. I use it as a constant reminder for myself of the goodness of God's perfect plan, and it really has helped me keep my eyes on God's flawless big picture rather than the small less-than-perfect situations I get caught in.
I'm not sure if my rambling is making sense, but the sermon today really impacted me. No matter what happens, God will turn it to His good. I remember Debbie telling me that it doesn't necessarily mean that it will work for MY good, but it will work for THE good. In other words, God will make it to HIS good. Bringing glory and praise to the Lord is the main purpose of my existence when you really get down to it.  That is why we must strive to put Him first. We need to cling to the hope in the Lord that all things will work out for HIS good. I really needed this reminder today. In Christ Alone, My Hope is Found!

True Beauty.

So many girls in this world think that they are ugly. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've thought that about myself. As girls, we all want to feel beautiful. Some people will tell you that beauty on the inside is all that matters, which is absolutely true, yet it doesn't help us feel any better about our appearances. Health and Beauty companies make billions of dollars each year selling us products that will supposedly remove wrinkles, clear your skin of acne, and make your eyelashes look 10x's longer. People have even taken the need for beauty to extreme lengths by turning to plastic surgery and botox injections. How long will it take for us to actually feel good about the way we look?

In my own life, I can truthfully say that I am my own worst critic. I can look into the mirror and pinpoint every detail, big or small, that may be wrong with my face and body. As embarrassing as it is, I've even had the nerve to ask God why on earth He made me this way. I have often asked, "God...why did you create me this way, when you could have made me look prettier instead?" I mean he is an Almighty and Perfect being, right? He's fully capable of making me look prettier. Just this morning a thought exactly like this came into my head. The more I thought about it however, the more it got me thinking differently. God IS the most powerful being in history. He IS utter perfection. So how on earth could an absolutely perfect being such as Him, make garbage? God does not make junk. I'll repeat that again in case you didn't hear me....God does NOT make junk!
I believe that we think that we are unattractive, because we're using other people as our mirrors. Imagine if you found an old, cracked, dirty, and warped mirror in your attic. If you looked into it, you would see a severely distorted image of yourself. No matter what you do to change your appearance, your image will never be accurate in this imperfect mirror. It's the same way with wanting approval from imperfect people. We use other people's actions, words and opinions to create distorted images of ourselves. It's only when we look to God, the clean and pure mirror, that we will be able to see the true and beautiful image that we really are. God made each of us the way we are for a reason. Each time we complain about the way we look, I can only imagine what God thinks. After all, every single one of us was made in His image. To Him, we look absolutely perfect just the way we are. And if the God up in heaven thinks that about me, then who am I to tell him differently?
Trying to feel beautiful is a struggle that every woman is faced with. I'm not sure if I will ever think that I'm drop dead gorgeous or anything, but I pray that God will help me every day to see myself as He sees me; perfect just the way I am.

A Thank You Letter To My Father

Hey God,
it's me.
Nobody special,
just me.

You know God, they say
that everyone is special
to you.
And I was wondering...
what did I do
to deserve a love like that?

I'm nobody special-
not much talent,
and I talk too much,
and I hate too easily,
and there's just so much wrong with me.

How Lord, how can You
love-really love-
someone like me-
nobody special
at all?

You never cease to amaze
me with all the wonderful things
you bless me with in life.
And even though I don't deserve
your love at all,
I'm thankful for it,
and each blessing it brings.

Because of this
undeserved love, Lord,
I will strive to
be, and live, and share
that love with others.

So thanks again,
for loving me despite
my flaws,
my faults,
my insecurities.

Through you I have
found my true beauty-
both inside,
and out,
and everywhere in
between.

Yours truly,
Paige