Anxiety.

Anxious. That's what I feel right now. I'm not entirely sure why either....I don't have any big tests tomorrow and I'm all caught up on my homework....But for some reason, I find myself fidgeting in my seat with my mind racing. Maybe it's the busy weekend I had at my aunt and uncle's house in Rochester, or maybe it's some other reason. All I know is that I don't want this to continue for much longer. One verse that popped into my mind before I even started writing this blog post was Philippians 4:6-7. It says,

"Do not be anxious about anything, 

but in every situation by prayer and petition, 

with thanksgiving, 

present your requests to God. 

And the peace of God which transcends all understanding 

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

This is such a great verse, but let me tell you it's easier said than done. I mean honestly, I don't even know what the heck I'm anxious about. And how on earth am I supposed to be thankful for it?! But I know that this verse speaks so much truth. I've seen God do so many amazing things in my life, so there's no way I should be doubting his ability to take away my pointless anxiety. I have faith that He will indeed take this feeling away from me. I know he will. And that's one of the many reasons why God is so good.

Becoming Satisfied.

One year ago today I made a commitment to take a year away from focusing on guys, and instead focus on becoming the woman God wants me to be. I had just gotten out of a serious relationship of about 3 years and needed some time to figure out who I was as a single woman before I even thought of being in a relationship again. This year away from dating has had it's ups and downs....There were times that I relied on God completely and found my worth in Him, and then there were times when I strayed from what He said about me and wanted to find my worth in guys again. However, the past couple months have been so great in helping me grow closer to the Lord. If you would have asked me last September if I was okay with not having a boyfriend I would've said no. But now, I know that my worth is not found in whether or not a boy likes me. To be honest, I'm completely okay with the fact that no guy is actively pursuing me. God has reminded me countless times in His Word that His love is greater than anything I could ever receive from a man. Romans 8:37-39 says,

"In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

God's love is so incredibly great! And I know that it's all I truly need. Don't get me wrong, I'm so excited for the day that God brings that man into my life that I will marry...But until my future husband and I begin any sort of relationship, I'm going to completely consume myself in God's love.  Christian women are always listing off the qualities that they want in a Christian man. But how fair is it that we're expecting this "Godly-grocery-list" of things that a guy should be, when we ourselves aren't trying to become the Christian women that God calls us to be? The portrait of a Proverbs 31 woman is ideally what we as women need to be aspiring for. For those of you who know me, you know that I'm very obviously far from perfect....but I pray through God's strength, I will become the Godly woman that my future husband deserves.

Your Heart's Desires.

When I was a little girl, I was full of big dreams and desires. Like a dried up flower some of those dreams have died, and others have been pruned or cut back so new ones could blossom in their place.
 Psalm 37:4 reads, 

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

In our selfish nature I think we often want to approach God like a genie in a bottle - one who is able to grant us every thing we could ever want. It's true that God loves to give good gifts to His children, but our delight and our joy should never be rooted in what God offers us, but in who He is. Many of us like to take this verse and other "warm-fuzzy" ones to promote a false prosperity gospel message. We think to ourselves, "just love God and you will have the most amazing life....you will never have hardship again!" But Jesus said that following him would not be easy... Life would still be hard, but all that hardship is well worth it.

To delight ourselves in the Lord is to be so filled and at peace in His presence that naturally we want to live a life for Him. To rejoice in His goodness. It's not for us to worship the things He gives us, but to adore God for who He is. While so undeserving, God has fulfilled so many of the desires of my heart. And being the extravagant giver He is, He has gone above and beyond. I believe something amazing happens when our delight is in the Lord and not the things of this world....I'm still a work in progress, but I'm trying to pursue God with all of my heart, and I encourage you to do the same!

Let Them Go.

So...for some reason my blog went down for a couple days. Sad! But here's a new post for you all! :)

You are worth so much more than what you've done. Whatever is in the past is unchangeable. Yeah, there may be some shame you need to overcome. You might need to dig deep and learn something from your personal history and mistakes. But should you be defined by it, like a name tag on your t-shirt?

Definitely not.

Our mistakes help us to become who we are, but they do not define who we are. Mistakes from our past do not have to be pervasive in our lives—if we've lied, we don't need to be defined as liars; and if we've stolen we don't need to be defined as thieves.
We are men and women made in the image of God. And each of us is created uniquely to love, be loved, and reflect that glorious image. So take all these things in you past that you've let define you for so long and let them go. Turn to the One who made you the creation that you are, and invite Him to help you overcome the past. Refuse to be defined by your old actions, and instead choose to make new ones with the knowledge you have now.

Loved.

"Laban had two daughters. The eldest was named Leah and the younger one Rachel. There was no sparkle in Leah’s eyes, but Rachel had a beautiful form and appearance. Since Jacob was in love with Rachel, he told her father, “I’ll work for you seven years if you’ll give me Rachel, your younger daughter, as my wife.” “Agreed,” Laban replied. “I’d rather give her to you than to anyone else.” Seven years later Laban prepared a wedding feast. But that night, when it was dark, Laban took Leah to Jacob, and Jacob slept with her. When Jacob woke up in the morning—indeed it was Leah! “What have you done to me,” Jacob raged at Laban, “I worked seven years for Rachel! Why have you tricked me?” Laban replied, “Wait until the bridal week is over, then we’ll give you Rachel, too—provided you promise to work another seven years for me.” So Jacob agreed to work seven more years. Then Jacob also married Rachel, and he loved Rachel more than Leah."
 -Genesis 29:18-30

In this story we usually focus on Jacob and how we feel bad for him because he was tricked....but what about Leah? When I read this story, my heart just aches for her. Leah was Laban’s first daughter, and Jacob’s first wife, but she was far from being in first place. She is described as having weak eyes, no sparkle; dull in appearance. Though she may not have been an ugly duckling, compared to Rachel, she must have felt like one. She must have felt terrible when her sister, beautiful Rachel, had captivated the heart of a man, when she (Leah) wasn't able to. Then, her father had an idea...one that would surely work in her favor. Through deceit and trickery, Leah was finally married off. In one night, all the years of comparison, rejection, feeling worthless and unattractive faded as Jacob’s passion consummated the marriage. That is, until the sun rose and daylight revealed that it was not his beloved Rachel that lay beside Him, but Leah! When Jacob realized what had happened, his rage was fierce. For a moment Leah felt the weight of her insecurities lifted off, and in a matter of seconds they fell back on her, heavier than ever, for now she was a despised wife.

"When the Lord saw that Leah was not loved, He opened her womb; but Rachel was barren." -Genesis 29:31

God took notice of Leah’s tears, agony, rejection, and loneliness. He saw she was unloved, overlooked, and loathed. He was acquainted with her misery, feelings, thoughts, and pain. Comparison fueled a family feud. She was empty, but God filled her. Four pregnancies later, Leah realized that it was the Lord that loved her and desired her. In verse 35 she said, “Now I will praise the Lord.” Thereafter, her life wasn’t perfect, but I believe her heart had changed. The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob had become the God of Leah. He created something beautiful in her and through her… seven children. It was from Leah’s lineage, not Rachel’s, that our Savior was born. It just took some time for her to realize that her true worth wasn't found in the love she could receive from a man....it comes from the love given to us by God himself.
Just like with Leah, God has taken notice of your tears, agony, rejection, and loneliness. He sees that you have not been loved, have been often overlooked and perhaps despised by those who matter most. He knows your misery, feelings, thoughts and pain. BUT I have good news for you: His compassion towards Leah was, is, and will forever be, ours as well.

"For your Maker is your husband,
The Lord of hosts is His name;
And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel;
He is called the God of the whole earth.
For the Lord has called you
Like a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit,
Like a youthful wife when you were refused,”
Says your God.
“For a mere moment I have forsaken you,
But with great mercies I will gather you.
With a little wrath I hid My face from you for a moment;
But with everlasting kindness I will have mercy on you,”
Says the Lord, your Redeemer." -Isaiah 54:5-8

The Lord committed Himself to Leah...and God is committed eternally to you. God is moved by your sorrow. The Redeemer will transform your misery into freedom and fulfillment. As He filled Leah, He will fill you. It may not necessarily be with children, but He will fill you to overflow with all His goodness, physical blessings, spiritual gifts, joy and re-purposed life.
I encourage you to surrender comparing yourself to other people, judging them and yourself merely by appearance or abilities. Form your identity on God’s love for you, not on anyone’s view of you or on your circumstances. I definitely have a lot of work to do in this area of comparing myself to others...but I pray through God's help, He will help me overcome.

Refreshed.

Today I just want to focus on becoming refreshed. Let the powerful words of this song and the following scripture sink in and nourish my soul. Today I want to dwell on the beauty of the One who made me with His loving hands, and spend some time reflecting on how He has nourished me (spiritually, emotionally, physically) in the past. It's not a bad idea for you to do the same :)

This song is inspired by Psalm 103:

  Praise the Lord, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the Lord, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
  who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
  who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
  who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

  The Lord works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.

  He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:
  The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
  He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
  he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
  For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

  As a father has compassion on his children,
so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;
  for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
  The life of mortals is like grass,
they flourish like a flower of the field;
  the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
  But from everlasting to everlasting
the Lord’s love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children’s children —
  with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.

  The Lord has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.

  Praise the Lord, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.
  Praise the Lord, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.
  Praise the Lord, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.

Praise the Lord, my soul.