Remember.

I realized today that I haven't written in my blog for over a month...and I honestly don't even have a good answer as to why. Usually I write new posts when God teaches me something new, or I feel passionate enough to tell others what God is doing in my life. Maybe the reason why I haven't written an entry lately is because I've been feeling a bit apathetic. Yes, I've been going to church on Sunday and yes, I've been doing my devotions (most mornings) but I don't think I've actually been taking the time to listen to God. I've been going through all the motions without even taking the time to think about what any of it means.

Most of us do the same thing when it comes to Christmastime. Yes, we all remember that "Jesus is the Reason for the Season" but we've become apathetic to it all. We go to the Christmas service at our churches and read from our Bibles about Jesus' birth, but that's where it all stops. We're more concerned with making sure all our decorations are up, the food is cooked and the gazillion presents are under the tree. Now don't get me wrong, Christmas is my absolute FAVORITE time of the year, but I think up until this point, I've loved it for all the wrong reasons. I used to love it because everything looks pretty and it brings family together.....which are great reasons to love something. But now I've realized that I haven't been paying enough attention to what Christmas actually means...

Jesus was on a throne at the right hand of God...he sacrificed all of that in order to take the form of a human. And not just any human either, he took the form of a fragile and helpless infant. As an Almighty and Powerful God, how much love would it take to take-on the form of one of your own creations? Jesus' sacrifice was HUGE, and extremely important. Sometimes we forget just how big of a sacrifice it actually was...

Another sacrifice we remember was Mary. Mary was a young 15(-ish) year-old girl. She was engaged and had all these dreams for her future. What young girl doesn't dream of her wedding day? Everything in her life was going according to her plan until Gabriel came to tell her she was to become pregnant. She willingly accepted the plan God had for her life. Now, looking back we all say, "Well of course she said yes! She would give birth to Jesus!" but put yourself in her shoes for a second....not only is she a young unmarried girl, but she was engaged. There's now way Joseph would believe that Mary was a pregnant virgin. Back in those days, becoming engaged was just about the same thing as getting married. Once you were engaged, there was no backing out. Any engaged woman who cheated was guilty of adultery, which was punishable by death by stoning. By accepting God's will, Mary was putting her future and her life on the line. Not only that, but she knew that this meant she would be shunned by her family as well. Didn't you ever wonder why shepherds and wise-men were the only visitors of Jesus' birth? They were in Joseph's hometown! He probably had dozens of relatives there, yet they were forced to look for room in an Inn and eventually sleep in a barn. No family visitors, and no family welcome. Mary and Joseph sacrificed so much in order to fulfill the prophecies put in place long before their time. They sacrificed so that we could eventually be saved. They didn't know it at the time, but their sacrifice would turn into a holiday called Christmas.

That's why it's so sad that we let it become something different. We should be honoring the sacrifices made, not using it as an excuse to spend hundreds of dollars on pointless items for ourselves and others. Now don't get me wrong, I don't think there's anything wrong in giving and receiving presents at Christmastime, and I don't want you to think I'm preaching at you either. I just think it becomes a bad thing when we put gifts above remembering the whole purpose for this holiday in the first place. As Christmas gets closer, I know I'll be looking at my own heart to see why my priorities lie...and I encourage you to possibly do the same.

Blessings Taken For Granted.

If I were to sit down and write out a list of all the things God has blessed me with in life, it would consist of the classic things we take for granted such as family, friends, food, a roof over my head, etc. I'm sure if you were to do the same, you would have a very similar list. But how often do we forget about one of the biggest blessings God ever gave us? By sending His Son to earth, God gave us the blessing of allowing us to be in a close relationship with Him. We often forget to be grateful for this blessing, and instead just take it for granted. I know in my life, I definitely take this for granted. I can't tell you how many times I've decided to sleep-in instead of doing my morning devotions, or I chose to talk to my mom about my problems rather than going to God first. I know God will always be there, so maintaining a consistent relationship with Him sometimes takes the back burner.

As part of my morning devotional routine I usually read the Jesus Calling for that day. (For those of you unfamiliar with Jesus Calling, it's a devotional written from God's perspective to us.) One particular morning last week, I was having a hard time waking up so I ended up just reading the devotion while I was still half awake and under the covers. That devotion was titled, "Linger In My Presence A While," and it ironically talked about how beginning the day with alone time with God is essential. It said, 

"A great athlete takes time to prepare himself mentally for the feat ahead of him before he moves a muscle. Similarly, your time of being still in My Presence equips you for the day ahead of you. Only I know what will happen to you this day....If you are not adequately equipped for the journey, you will grow weary and lose heart."

This those words definitely woke me up. Who am I to think that I can treat my devotions as one more thing to check off my list of things to do? I mean don't get me wrong, I enjoy that quiet time in the mornings...but rather than being grateful for this blessing, I just saw it as another thing I needed to do. The opportunity we have with God to commune with Him and have a relationship with him is such a valuable blessing. Not only is it important that we take the opportunity to enjoy quiet time with the Lord, but it's also to our advantage that we do. Who else knows what's ahead better than God himself? He can help prepare you for whatever comes next, just as a runner prepares before a race. Now I'm not saying that I will never ever skip  morning devotion ever again, because as an imperfect woman that's bound to happen....but I pray that I will never let myself forget what a true blessing it actually is.

Onward and Upward.

So I was looking back through a journal I kept last year while I was doing my "Year Off of Dating" and I stumbled across an entry that brought back a memory of intimacy with Christ. It's the only time that I have ever audibly heard God's voice. I have a lot more confidence in myself now than I did at the time I wrote this, so no judging.  This was during a period of self-doubt...I have grown so much more into loving the woman God has created me to be. I know now who I am in Christ, so my view of myself back then, no longer reflects how I view myself now. In this entry, I was writing directly to God and it went like this:

"Tuesday, 12-20-11

God, I feel so confused. For the first time in a loooong time I actually feel pretty when I look in the mirror. Instead of disliking what I see, I'm starting to actually like the way I look...It's unheard of, I know. That's not what confuses me though...the confusing part is that ever since I started to like the way I look, I feel less and less desirable. I don't know how this happened but it did. Boys don't want me and quite frankly, I don't understand. I feel pretty, so what's the problem? Does the problem lie deeper than my looks? Is it my personality that drives them away? Or my sense of humor? Or maybe it's my awkwardness...UGH...It's super frustrating...What's wrong with me?!"

After writing this I sat on my bed and cried in my own little pity party. I put my journal away and started to crawl under the covers of my bed when I heard an audible voice say

"Nothing."

I was instantly filled with peace and I knew that was God's voice talking to me. I scrambled to grab anything I could so I could write down exactly what he was saying...It ended up being the back of an envelope. But as I listened, this is what He said,

"Nothing.

There is nothing wrong with you at all.

Just be patient, 

The man I have planned for you is coming.

No boys now, means less heartache later."

In my head I responded with "But God...It's giving me heartache NOW." And he gently replied,

"Nothing like what I'm saving you from. Just wait here with me. I'll satisfy your need to be wanted and desired in ways nobody else can. No human can love you the way I do. Just wait. Stop dreaming of your earthly prince, and start having an intimate relationship with your Heavenly Prince."

Those words instantly changed my outlook. At that moment I became fully content in just waiting for my earthly prince, and having a full relationship with my Heavenly Prince. But just to clarify, when I say "Waiting for my earthly prince" I don't mean living like Sleeping Beauty or Rapunzel and putting my entire life on hold while I wait anxiously for my Prince Charming....No...I mean I'm putting that area of my life on hold, while I enjoy putting all that I am into a life with my Heavenly Prince. If anything, I'm living more now than I ever was before. My friend Lauren talked about this concept during one of our bible study groups on Tuesday night a couple weeks ago...So many times we think that "True Love Waits" means sitting around and just waiting with God as our comfort until that special man waltzes in. But that's not right! You can wait in the sense of sexual and emotional purity, but your entire life should not be at a standstill. A great Bible verse that I've been dwelling on lately is Philippians 3:12. It says,

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me."

Don't you see? We shouldn't just sit around...we need to press forward! Each day that God allows us to live is a blessing. Don't just waste it by sitting around, because you can never get that time back. Lets treat each day as a precious gift from God, and press forward into a closer relationship with Him.

World Changers.

How you live your life is a huge responsibility placed on each one of us. Lately, God has really been opening my eyes and showing me how important it is that I live my life in a way that is honoring to Him. I've heard it said before that the largest reason for Atheism in the world today is Christians. How sad is that? Christians have taken on the stigmas of being hypocrites, hateful, and even terrible tippers at restaurants, along with many other negative things. I mean seriously people? This is so disappointing.....We're called as Christians to be World Changers. If this is how non-christians view us, then we're really falling short of how God wants us to live. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally at fault for these stigmas too....I just really believe it's time for us to change.
A Hypocrite is someone who promotes virtues and religious beliefs or principles, but doesn't actually apply them to their lives. How many times have we as Christians pointed out the sins in another people's lives before looking at the sin in our own lives? It's our natural instinct to ignore our own faults and pick apart the faults of others. I definitely have had my own struggles with seeing others faults and ignoring my own, but Jesus tells us in Matthew 7:3-5,

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

We need to stop picking out everyone else's sins when we have a truckload of sins to account for ourselves. I mean seriously, "Christian" means to be a Christ follower. That means to be like Christ. So who was Jesus Christ while he was on earth? He was loving. He was accepting of everyone. He was forgiving. He was gracious. He was caring. He was patient. He was kind. He was humble and fair and generous. He was all of these things and so much more. It's our role as Christians to aspire to be these things.
Obviously we're only human so we will fail time and time again. But Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength." With God on our side, we have no excuse for not being loving towards others. He can help us and give us the strength to shine His light on those around us. As Christians we should want to reflect Jesus in the best light possible, and quite frankly, we've been doing poorly at this, me included. 
I didn't mean for this to become a "Do this/Don't do that" rant...but I feel like it kind of turned into that. Don't view my little spiel as discouraging towards you because that's not my intention at all. My intention is to bring this topic to light and to encourage you as well as myself to focus on being salt and light to the world. Lets break these stigmas placed on Christianity...Lets be World Changers.

Giving Up Control.

Today my Astronomy class had a guest speaker by the name of John Roy Bohlen. He was an older gentleman around my grandpa's age, and when I walked into the classroom I was expecting a boring lecture from him. What I heard though, was quite the opposite. John Bohlen started off by telling us he was going to teach us about "The King's Greatest Secret." He asked us, "What did Jesus take to the cross for us?" We responded with the typical answers such as our sins, sicknesses, despairs, transgressions, etc. But he told us there was one more thing Jesus took with him....Jesus took ourselves. John told us that Jesus took our weak, pathetic, flawed selves and crucified all of us on the cross with him. And now since we are crucified with Him, He wants to live his life through us. I'm not sure if I explained that clearly, so just hear me out. Jesus lived the perfect life, so He didn't deserve to be crucified. Therefore, since He gave up his life for us, now it's our duty to allow Him to live through our own lives. Life isn't about trying to be the nicest, trying to do the right things or even about us trying to be like Christ. It's about giving ourselves completely to Christ and letting HIM live through US. Are you getting this? It's such a simple concept that's so life-changing.
My life isn't about me trying to live the way God wants me to. My life isn't about me trying to figure out God's plan. My life isn't about being a great Christian. But my life IS about stepping back and letting Jesus live through me. Once that happens, then all those other aspects will fall into place. What does it actually mean when we say Jesus "lives in us?" Have you ever really thought about that phrase? It doesn't mean that Jesus lives inside our hearts like a genie would live in a bottle....but rather, it means that Jesus lives through us. He desires for us to allow him to live through our lives. He purchased them with his own blood, so the least we can do is give him the reigning power.

Anxiety.

Anxious. That's what I feel right now. I'm not entirely sure why either....I don't have any big tests tomorrow and I'm all caught up on my homework....But for some reason, I find myself fidgeting in my seat with my mind racing. Maybe it's the busy weekend I had at my aunt and uncle's house in Rochester, or maybe it's some other reason. All I know is that I don't want this to continue for much longer. One verse that popped into my mind before I even started writing this blog post was Philippians 4:6-7. It says,

"Do not be anxious about anything, 

but in every situation by prayer and petition, 

with thanksgiving, 

present your requests to God. 

And the peace of God which transcends all understanding 

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

This is such a great verse, but let me tell you it's easier said than done. I mean honestly, I don't even know what the heck I'm anxious about. And how on earth am I supposed to be thankful for it?! But I know that this verse speaks so much truth. I've seen God do so many amazing things in my life, so there's no way I should be doubting his ability to take away my pointless anxiety. I have faith that He will indeed take this feeling away from me. I know he will. And that's one of the many reasons why God is so good.

Becoming Satisfied.

One year ago today I made a commitment to take a year away from focusing on guys, and instead focus on becoming the woman God wants me to be. I had just gotten out of a serious relationship of about 3 years and needed some time to figure out who I was as a single woman before I even thought of being in a relationship again. This year away from dating has had it's ups and downs....There were times that I relied on God completely and found my worth in Him, and then there were times when I strayed from what He said about me and wanted to find my worth in guys again. However, the past couple months have been so great in helping me grow closer to the Lord. If you would have asked me last September if I was okay with not having a boyfriend I would've said no. But now, I know that my worth is not found in whether or not a boy likes me. To be honest, I'm completely okay with the fact that no guy is actively pursuing me. God has reminded me countless times in His Word that His love is greater than anything I could ever receive from a man. Romans 8:37-39 says,

"In all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

God's love is so incredibly great! And I know that it's all I truly need. Don't get me wrong, I'm so excited for the day that God brings that man into my life that I will marry...But until my future husband and I begin any sort of relationship, I'm going to completely consume myself in God's love.  Christian women are always listing off the qualities that they want in a Christian man. But how fair is it that we're expecting this "Godly-grocery-list" of things that a guy should be, when we ourselves aren't trying to become the Christian women that God calls us to be? The portrait of a Proverbs 31 woman is ideally what we as women need to be aspiring for. For those of you who know me, you know that I'm very obviously far from perfect....but I pray through God's strength, I will become the Godly woman that my future husband deserves.

Your Heart's Desires.

When I was a little girl, I was full of big dreams and desires. Like a dried up flower some of those dreams have died, and others have been pruned or cut back so new ones could blossom in their place.
 Psalm 37:4 reads, 

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

In our selfish nature I think we often want to approach God like a genie in a bottle - one who is able to grant us every thing we could ever want. It's true that God loves to give good gifts to His children, but our delight and our joy should never be rooted in what God offers us, but in who He is. Many of us like to take this verse and other "warm-fuzzy" ones to promote a false prosperity gospel message. We think to ourselves, "just love God and you will have the most amazing life....you will never have hardship again!" But Jesus said that following him would not be easy... Life would still be hard, but all that hardship is well worth it.

To delight ourselves in the Lord is to be so filled and at peace in His presence that naturally we want to live a life for Him. To rejoice in His goodness. It's not for us to worship the things He gives us, but to adore God for who He is. While so undeserving, God has fulfilled so many of the desires of my heart. And being the extravagant giver He is, He has gone above and beyond. I believe something amazing happens when our delight is in the Lord and not the things of this world....I'm still a work in progress, but I'm trying to pursue God with all of my heart, and I encourage you to do the same!

Let Them Go.

So...for some reason my blog went down for a couple days. Sad! But here's a new post for you all! :)

You are worth so much more than what you've done. Whatever is in the past is unchangeable. Yeah, there may be some shame you need to overcome. You might need to dig deep and learn something from your personal history and mistakes. But should you be defined by it, like a name tag on your t-shirt?

Definitely not.

Our mistakes help us to become who we are, but they do not define who we are. Mistakes from our past do not have to be pervasive in our lives—if we've lied, we don't need to be defined as liars; and if we've stolen we don't need to be defined as thieves.
We are men and women made in the image of God. And each of us is created uniquely to love, be loved, and reflect that glorious image. So take all these things in you past that you've let define you for so long and let them go. Turn to the One who made you the creation that you are, and invite Him to help you overcome the past. Refuse to be defined by your old actions, and instead choose to make new ones with the knowledge you have now.

Loved.

"Laban had two daughters. The eldest was named Leah and the younger one Rachel. There was no sparkle in Leah’s eyes, but Rachel had a beautiful form and appearance. Since Jacob was in love with Rachel, he told her father, “I’ll work for you seven years if you’ll give me Rachel, your younger daughter, as my wife.” “Agreed,” Laban replied. “I’d rather give her to you than to anyone else.” Seven years later Laban prepared a wedding feast. But that night, when it was dark, Laban took Leah to Jacob, and Jacob slept with her. When Jacob woke up in the morning—indeed it was Leah! “What have you done to me,” Jacob raged at Laban, “I worked seven years for Rachel! Why have you tricked me?” Laban replied, “Wait until the bridal week is over, then we’ll give you Rachel, too—provided you promise to work another seven years for me.” So Jacob agreed to work seven more years. Then Jacob also married Rachel, and he loved Rachel more than Leah."
 -Genesis 29:18-30

In this story we usually focus on Jacob and how we feel bad for him because he was tricked....but what about Leah? When I read this story, my heart just aches for her. Leah was Laban’s first daughter, and Jacob’s first wife, but she was far from being in first place. She is described as having weak eyes, no sparkle; dull in appearance. Though she may not have been an ugly duckling, compared to Rachel, she must have felt like one. She must have felt terrible when her sister, beautiful Rachel, had captivated the heart of a man, when she (Leah) wasn't able to. Then, her father had an idea...one that would surely work in her favor. Through deceit and trickery, Leah was finally married off. In one night, all the years of comparison, rejection, feeling worthless and unattractive faded as Jacob’s passion consummated the marriage. That is, until the sun rose and daylight revealed that it was not his beloved Rachel that lay beside Him, but Leah! When Jacob realized what had happened, his rage was fierce. For a moment Leah felt the weight of her insecurities lifted off, and in a matter of seconds they fell back on her, heavier than ever, for now she was a despised wife.

"When the Lord saw that Leah was not loved, He opened her womb; but Rachel was barren." -Genesis 29:31

God took notice of Leah’s tears, agony, rejection, and loneliness. He saw she was unloved, overlooked, and loathed. He was acquainted with her misery, feelings, thoughts, and pain. Comparison fueled a family feud. She was empty, but God filled her. Four pregnancies later, Leah realized that it was the Lord that loved her and desired her. In verse 35 she said, “Now I will praise the Lord.” Thereafter, her life wasn’t perfect, but I believe her heart had changed. The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob had become the God of Leah. He created something beautiful in her and through her… seven children. It was from Leah’s lineage, not Rachel’s, that our Savior was born. It just took some time for her to realize that her true worth wasn't found in the love she could receive from a man....it comes from the love given to us by God himself.
Just like with Leah, God has taken notice of your tears, agony, rejection, and loneliness. He sees that you have not been loved, have been often overlooked and perhaps despised by those who matter most. He knows your misery, feelings, thoughts and pain. BUT I have good news for you: His compassion towards Leah was, is, and will forever be, ours as well.

"For your Maker is your husband,
The Lord of hosts is His name;
And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel;
He is called the God of the whole earth.
For the Lord has called you
Like a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit,
Like a youthful wife when you were refused,”
Says your God.
“For a mere moment I have forsaken you,
But with great mercies I will gather you.
With a little wrath I hid My face from you for a moment;
But with everlasting kindness I will have mercy on you,”
Says the Lord, your Redeemer." -Isaiah 54:5-8

The Lord committed Himself to Leah...and God is committed eternally to you. God is moved by your sorrow. The Redeemer will transform your misery into freedom and fulfillment. As He filled Leah, He will fill you. It may not necessarily be with children, but He will fill you to overflow with all His goodness, physical blessings, spiritual gifts, joy and re-purposed life.
I encourage you to surrender comparing yourself to other people, judging them and yourself merely by appearance or abilities. Form your identity on God’s love for you, not on anyone’s view of you or on your circumstances. I definitely have a lot of work to do in this area of comparing myself to others...but I pray through God's help, He will help me overcome.

Refreshed.

Today I just want to focus on becoming refreshed. Let the powerful words of this song and the following scripture sink in and nourish my soul. Today I want to dwell on the beauty of the One who made me with His loving hands, and spend some time reflecting on how He has nourished me (spiritually, emotionally, physically) in the past. It's not a bad idea for you to do the same :)

This song is inspired by Psalm 103:

  Praise the Lord, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the Lord, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
  who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
  who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
  who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

  The Lord works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.

  He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:
  The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
  He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
  he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
  For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

  As a father has compassion on his children,
so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;
  for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
  The life of mortals is like grass,
they flourish like a flower of the field;
  the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
  But from everlasting to everlasting
the Lord’s love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children’s children —
  with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.

  The Lord has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.

  Praise the Lord, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.
  Praise the Lord, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.
  Praise the Lord, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.

Praise the Lord, my soul.

Humbled.

One thing God has really been teaching me lately is that He can use me anywhere. I know it's a pretty simple concept and I've heard it said a million times in church and from my parents, but I never fully believed it. Last summer I had the amazing opportunity to work at Bluewater Covenant Bible Camp. In a Christ-centered atmosphere like that, it's so easy to see God use you to impact the lives of the children each week. I have a passion for helping others so after last summer, I was filled with excitement from what I saw God doing through me. I applied for that camp again for this past summer, and got the job!....but unfortunately had to turn it down because I needed to find a good paying job at home so I could afford to pay for college. I was heartbroken. The thought of just spending all summer at home and not being able to serve in the same way I had the previous summer really made me upset. I was angry at my parents for making me get a job at home, and I was angry at God for not just giving me the money I needed for school so then could work at camp. I mean, I was working there for Him anyways, right?
As it turns out, God was right and I was wrong. Go figure. This summer I got a job as a tour guide for the Boise Paper Mill in my hometown of International Falls. During the week leading up to my first day I kept thinking that there was no way I could do anything to further God's kingdom at a paper mill. It's a paper mill....lets be real here. But God made it his goal to prove me wrong and change my heart this summer. He taught me to be a witness to Him through my actions to those I guided through the Mill and those I worked with. But the biggest thing He taught me was that He can use me anywhere He wants. It's HIS plan, not my own. I don't get to decide where He places me, I can only decide to obey Him or not to obey Him. This summer I became so humbled and blessed by the different tourists who came to visit. As I learned their stories and loved on them, God changed my heart in bigger ways than I ever imagined. I'm so grateful for the opportunity I had to serve God at Boise Paper Mill this summer....God is so good!

Breaking-Up.

Dear "Fear-Of-What-Others-Think",

 I am sick of you and I think it’s time we broke up. I know we’ve broken up and gotten back together about a bazillion times, but seriously, this is it. We’re breaking up for good now. I would say "It's not you, it's me" but you are clearly the problem in this relationship. I'm doing this because I need to.
Because I’m tired of over-thinking my status updates on Facebook. I'm tired of trying to sound more clever, funny, or important. And I’m tired of wondering which Tweets I make might get the most re-tweets or favorites as though my value as a human being were truly numerical.
I’m tired of wondering which picture to post online. Because heaven forbid, they might show my acne, frizzy hair, or make me look fat and cause others to think I’m a perfectly normal human being.
I’m sick of feeling anxious about what I say or do in public, especially around people I don’t know that well, all in the hope that they’ll like me and accept me. And then there are those people who ALREADY like and accept me...For some reason, I’m constantly trying to keep happy!  Sometimes I feel like a freaking Golden Retriever greeting my master at the front door. Like me! Like me! Like me! Why is it that important anyways?!
And I’m especially tired of feeling bad about myself all the time. Bad about how I look. Bad about my grades. Bad about my 12 year old car and my not-so-trendy clothes. Bad about being single. Bad about not having any extraordinary talents. Bad about being friend-zoned by every guy I know. You're constantly making me compare myself to the other people around me and that seriously needs to stop. Because of you, I go through each day with this cloud of self doubt lingering overhead as a constant reminder that a storm might come and break away my facade if I don't keep this act up. Because when I’m afraid of what others think, I never stop acting. The spotlight’s always on and I’m center stage and I’d better keep dancing, posturing and smiling or else the spotlight will move on to someone else and I’ll dissolve into a meaningless little puddle on the ground....just like that witch in The Wizard of Oz. I can never live up to the expectations of my imaginary audience, the one that lives only in my head but whose collective voice is louder than any other voice in the universe. And even though I know I’m acting and even though I know the spotlight’s always moving and even though I know that in the bigger picture none of this matters at all, I’m never content to simply be myself. I mean yeah, I'm myself a lot of the time, but that voice in the back of my head always reminds me that other people are watching. It always reminds me that I need to impress them. And the sad thing is, I know everyone else is going through this same thing. They may say they're perfectly comfortable with who they are, but most people have the same terrible relationship with you as I do. Stop doing this to us!
All of this is especially horrible because if I really stop and think about it, and let things go quiet and listen patiently for the voice of the God who made me and delights in me...it turns out I’m actually profoundly precious, lovable, worthy, valuable, and beautiful. When I listen to that voice, then your voice starts to sound ridiculous again. You turn back into the tiny, whining, insignificant voice that you actually are.
So I'm sorry, Fear-Of-What-Others-Think. You and I are done. And no, I’m not interested in “talking it through.” I’m sending you out of my life, once and for all. Or at least, that’s what I really, really want....God help me please....

Sincerely,
Your Former Companion Paige.

Thankfulness.

Can I just say that God is so awesome? Today I was in the BC with my friend Melissa and I realized I forgot my headphones...so of course I had to go back to my dorm and grab them. When I walked outside though, I saw the sun shining off the huge trees in Kresge Courtyard. Then I saw the bright blue sky and the thousands of dragonflies that have been circling Nelson Hall all day. All of a sudden it hit me.....God is so awesome! How often do I take these truly beautiful things for granted? How often do we stop and just soak in all the beauty that God created? Yesterday I found myself laying on a blanket outside next to my friend Briana. With my feet propped up against the brick wall outside the RC and my eyes gazing up at the sky, I was able to truly appreciate how big and blue it was. I can barely even remember the last time I thanked God for the little things I see everyday in his creation. The sky, the clouds, the apple trees, the bumble bees and even the pebbles are all reasons to give thanks to God. Even if it seems insignificant, remember that God created that stone or leaf out of nothing. Nothing! How awesome is that?! Something even greater than these things though, is that God created us. Living, breathing, beautiful humans. And not only did God create us, he actually takes the time to know us. And not only does he take the time to know us, but he actually loves us. And as if that weren't enough, he loves us so much that he let his only son be slaughtered for us. I realize that you've heard all these things before and you know all these facts, but there's a difference between knowing and appreciating. I challenge you as this week goes on to not only see the trees and birds and everything in between as God's creation, but to also appreciate them. Even now as I sit here overlooking the sunset on Lake Valentine, I am in awe of Him. There is truly no one like our God.

"The heavens declare the glory of God;

the skies proclaim the work of his hands."

-Psalm 19:1

 "The earth is the Lord's and everything in it, the world and all who live in it;  

for he founded it upon the seas and established it upon the waters."

-Psalm 24:1-2

Fear.

Fear is such a strange concept.  People can be afraid of things as small as spiders or things as big as hurricanes, and it has always baffled me...the mere fact that we can get ourselves so worked-up and anxious about things is just bizarre! For me, I'm absolutely terrified of thunderstorms. Some people love them and want to be outside during a downpour, but I get really freaked out. I get anxious and nervous and I'm not even sure why....I've never had any bad experiences with storms. But even when I was younger, I remember going over to my best friend Jynni's house on nights it was storming and we'd have a sleepover to keep each other "safe". It made us feel better just knowing we could both be scared together.
Keeping all this in mind, today there was a tornado watch and a thunderstorm outside...and I was terrified. I was so anxious sitting by the window while lightning was streaking across the sky that I had to get up and walk around in order to keep myself distracted. I found a spot in the library since you can't see or hear the storm from there, and I went on my laptop. I logged into Twitter and was scrolling down my homepage, when lo and behold I saw a post I had written merely 3 hours prior. I had completely forgotten that I posted it....It read, "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. -1 Peter 5:7." I'm so terrible at taking my own advice! Here I am Tweeting about casting our anxiety on the Lord, but then freaking out about thunder and lightening a few hours later. There is no fear in the Lord! He says in Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." There is nothing to be afraid of when you have God by your side. It's no accident that I read that Tweet when I did. It was just the reminder I needed that God is always in control.
My favorite verse comes from Psalm 18:2. It says "The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety..." So there's honestly no need to fear something as small as a thunderstorm. It may seem big at the time, but it's NOTHING when compared to how big and strong my God is! He's the ROCK that saves me! This doesn't mean that I'm instantly cured from my fear...because quite frankly, I'm still scared pantsless of storms. But this definitely does help me feel better about the whole thing. And who knows, maybe saying these verses the next time there's a storm can help me conquer my fear all together. :)

Patience.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

-Romans 12:12 

God has been teaching me patience recently. Let me just say, it's much more difficult than I thought it would be. In chapel a while ago, the speaker was talking about patience and how it isn't just about learning to wait for something. It's also choosing not to retaliate when we have the opportunity to. This really struck me...how many times have I been tempted to give people a taste of their own medicine? And how many times have I actually acted on those temptations? Sadly, I've done this far too many times.
I asked God to help me become more patient, and boy is he doing it. There have been many times lately where I'm tempted to be crabby with people or retaliate because of something they've done or said to me. Each time though, I can hear that little reminder telling me that I NEED to be patient. Patience is a way of showing love to people. This is yet another way we can try to love our neighbors the way they deserve to be loved. It's so crucial that we stop thinking of others as objects. I've said this before in my blog posts, but we need to see people as walking stories. We underestimate just how talented people are at hiding their hurts. You and I don't know what internal battles people are going through... Someone could be wearing a smile, yet they're dead or hurting inside. We all know this, because we've ALL been through it in one way or another. Keeping all this in mind, it goes without saying that there's no legitimate reason we should treat anyone poorly. And quite frankly, it doesn't hurt to treat people with kindness. Obviously I'm not perfect and I fail in showing patience and kindness often, but I'm praying that God will keep reminding me of how I need to treat others. And not only that He'll remind me, but that I'll follow His instruction.
I'm not entirely sure what drove me to write this post...I think it's mostly just serving as another reminder to myself. And maybe it can be a sort of accountability thing with those around me who I know will read this. Sometimes writing out my current struggles helps me to fully focus on them....but maybe these few paragraphs can even inspire you to start working on the same thing in your life.

What A Massive God!

Finally....the long anticipated Spring Break has finally arrived for me! My parents came to Bethel University to pick me up, and we started to take the 5 hour drive back home. We were almost home, when my dad pulled the car over to the side of the highway. It was about 9:00 pm and almost everything outside was pitch black.....everything but the sky. As I looked out the window I saw beautiful shades of blue, purple and green dance across the night sky. I saw the Northern Lights! As I stepped out of the car and into the chilly night air, I could do nothing but just soak in the beauty of these magnificent lights. I kept thinking, "Wow...God is so awesome." It's impossible for me to wrap my mind around how amazing He truly is. It absolutely baffles me how people can think that this world was created by mistake....by a series of highly improbably events. While looking at those Northern Lights, it was so obvious to me that some greater power painted those in the sky. I don't understand how people can look at those same lights and see anything less than Intelligent Design. Nature itself is God's general revelation to us. It screams out that there is a Creator! And not just any Creator either....He is so massive! Think of the stars for example.....they aren't just dots painted on a black canvas surrounding earth. They're huge balls of fire, burning trillions of miles away! And our galaxy is another example. Do you realize just how big the Milky Way galaxy is? It's over 100,000 light-years in diameter! If that's not large enough, it's estimated that hundreds of billions of galaxies exist in the universe. Whoa....
And as if all this weren't big enough, God can hold it all in the palm of His hand. That's just how massive our God is! We seldom take the time to remember simple facts like this. The night sky serves as a constant reminder, yet we overlook it countless times. I encourage you to take time this week to praise God for just how big He is!

Who else has held the oceans in his hand? Who has measured off the heavens with his fingers? Who else knows the weight of the earth or has weighed out the mountains and the hills?......."To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?” says the Holy One. Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one and calls forth each of them by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing.

-Isaiah 40:12, 25-26,  NIV

 Give praise to the LORD, proclaim his name; make known among the nations what he has done. Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts. Glory in his holy name; let the hearts of those who seek the LORD rejoice. Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.

-1 Chronicles 16: 8-11 NIV

Acceptance.

I'm starting to accept the way I am. My whole life I've been taught by the world around me that something can always be improved. It tells me that I'm not good enough. Whenever I was having these insecure moments where I would think badly about myself, I would tell myself, "You are (insert quality that I want)" Or something along those lines....but in reality, I'm not all those things that I want to be...but that's totally okay! Contrary to the world's standards, I don't NEED to be talented. I don't NEED to be smart. I don't NEED to be athletic. I don't NEED to have a boyfriend. And I certainly don't NEED to be pretty. I don't NEED to be worth anything in other people's eyes. I just need to fulfill the role God has for my life. I'm worth something to HIM and that's all that truly matters. I tend to forget that this world is just a waiting room. We're here so briefly, yet we put so much importance on earthly things like beauty and money. I mean yeah, those things do hold some importance, but not nearly as much as doing the will of God. This life is not my own; it was purchased by Jesus Christ on the cross when he died for my sins. What gives me the right to worry about myself and what I can gain on earth when it doesn't even belong to me anyways?

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth where moths and vermin destroy and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven where moths and vermin do not destroy and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." -Matthew 6:19-21